Fears, Tears, and Hard Grace

Today was the big day. My youngest son started school. We had taken all the necessary steps to prepare him. We bought supplies. We took him to school. His brother even gave him the "inside scoop."

And so the day came. We loaded up in the car and laughed all the way to school. We talked about the fun they would have and congratulated the new man to our "going to school" crew. When we arrived at the school, all was well. Their teachers welcomed them in, and other students laughed and greeted each other. Finally it was time to leave--the time I had secretly dreaded all morning. I walked out the door and saw it, I saw the tear start to drop out of his eye. Everything in me wanted to pull him out of school and take him home. But I fought back the urge. I walked over hugged and promised that I would not be far away. Then I walked out, leaving him with fears and tears.

Why did I do such a thing? Am I a hard-hearted, cold-blooded dad? I left him in the uncomfortable place, because I love him. I know that while he is there new worlds will open up to him as he learns to read, write, add, subtract, and think. He will discover hidden glory behind pictures through words. I left him because he will meet new friends and know the joy of playing together. And I left him because one day he will be the big brother, helping his sister on her first day. I left him because I love him. One day he will see that staying was a gift of hard grace.

As I rode to work, I thought about the scene. I realized that the way I had just expressed love to my son is like the way my Heavenly Father expresses love to me. Sometimes I find myself in an uncomfortable place. I am not sure what is going on or what will happen next. I sometimes find myself in an uncomfortable place of fear. And sometimes I push back a tear and wonder if anyone cares. Then in a wonderful time of grace God puts his arm around me and reassures me that he is near. And then he leaves me there. Sometimes I am tempted to question his love. But it is at that moment that God shows his love. He knows that through enduring this new worlds of faith will open up before me. He knows that new vistas of joy come alive in new places. And he knows that on the other side of this I will be able to comfort others with new insight and power. He does not leave me there because he has forgotten me; He leaves me there because he loves me. It is a hard grace, but it is still grace.

Thank you Father, for your unending love that seeks my good in all situations. Teach me to follow your ways, because your ways are filled with love and I will find rest for my soul.